I was miserable, I saw D. today, he kept saying i was too quiet. So I started talking again, about my death wish and the emptiness, again. He said the same thing. Everything is so cool, so amazing, so incredible. And I´m so smart and beautiful and great that i have the duty to share it with the world. I hate him for saying that. It´s not true. I just want to die. ASAP. I thought I was going to burst into tears but I didn´t. I managed to get a grip and control myself. He said we could meet again tomorrow, I don´t think we will...

I was supposed to go with J. to the movies today. It was the first time he asked in advanced, and I choose to be with D. Any choice would have been the wrong one.

I´m listening to the E-drug called content... I´m amazed that it works, i do feel better, i feel weird... I like it

Please God kill me, soon, AMEN

I´m fucked. Even though I haven´t had sex. I´ve seen D. three more times. We went to the movies, i lent him money and we met for coffee and more money. I´m an idiot. I´ve been crying a lot and I think it´s because of him. I want to be with him. I know it´s a dead end and maybe that´s why it´s so appealing. Last moday we were supposed to meet. I was really excited about it. But as usual he couldn't´t so we didn´t. We talked that night and he noticed i was "bored" i broke. i started weeping, i couldn't´t talk and he said he was there if i wanted to talk or something. he called me every hour since. he was checking up on me. i liked it. it made me cry harder but i really liked it. I don´t want to believe when he says he cares about me but it´s very hard not to. His words aren´t empty, his hugs feel real. Sometimes I catch a glimpse pf sadness when he looks at me. The same one i´ve seen before in so many others when they realize i´m a good girl but they´ll never have me. I really want to die. I don´t want to hang on anymore.

He heard the chimera, and he kept calling. Maybe it was for the money, but maybe it was for me. i don´t want to know for sure. i don´t know what to believe. i just want to die.

Yesterday I had a nasty breakdown. I yelled at G. He said he wouldn't´t work today, i snapped at him. i said it was about the money but the truth is it´s about me not seeing him. I wanted to see him and have class with him. i wanted to feel him close to me. He just laughs at me. He´s in a very good point in his life. I want him to be happy, the thing is I´m miserable. I want something to make me feel better. when he heard me freaking out he said "you can invite me tomorrow..." it pissed me off even more. i just yelled "i can´t tomorrow" he fears me. he has every reason to. I just want to die. ASAP

Now D. wants me to meet his mother. He says she can help me. I don´t want to meet her. I don´t want to talk anymore. I just want to die. I told G. I thought I was falling for D. He just said "I warned you". He won´t talk to me and I´m trying to reach out to others. I´ve told my coworkers, they don´t know what to say. There´s nothing to say. I´m an idiot and I just want to die. I know there´s no future there, i know he´s only using me for my money, he´s smart about it. He knows it´s better when i offer to lend him the money, so he waits until i do that. Maybe G. told him that´s what i do . maybe he knows more about me than i thought. i should stop talking to him. pretend that he´s gone. but i don´t want to. if he doesn´t leave soon i don´t know what i´ll do. i enjoy his company, i really do...

So God please take my life, I can´t do anything productive and I´m just dragging everyone down with me. So pleas please kill me.

We were going to meet yesterday. D. and me. We were going to have sex. We were going to meet at 4. I called him and his cell was turned off. He hasn´t answered. It hurts. I thought saying good bye would be hurtful but not saying it... Now that I think about it I´ve never said good bye, people just leave. No drama, no speech, nothing. They just disappear. I guess it´s D´s turn now. I hate this feeling.

I hate knowing that no matter what i do nothing is going to change. Nothing ever changes. I still want to die. Now I have more reasons to do so. I´m useless and pathetic and lame. I keep thinking he´ll call. I keep wishing for something extraordinary. I keep wishing for a grand gesture. There will be none... I know that. I´m too broken. I keep wishing for a disease. A mortal one. I keep wishing for a phone call. I keep wishing for a text. I keep wishing for a reason. I keep wishing for so many things but I don´t do anything the get them.

Deep inside I thought D could be a good guy. I thought he could help me. I thought he could care, at least a little. He doesn´t. He doesn´t give a shit about me. I feel like such an idiot. He´s just a thief. He´s just a "truhán", his own words, not mine. I want to hate him, I want to feel something other than pain. i want to know why. What am i doing so wrong that everyone leaves? I really want to ask J. that. Am I really that bad in sex? Am I so terrible that they prefer to run away? Am I so pathetic that no one wants to be around me? Am I so stupid that I can´t see that the only way is to kill myself?

I was relieved because we didn´t meet, mostly because I didn´t want to tell G. But now I wonder why. Now I´m sad and I feel really pathetic. Please God kill me.